Thursday, June 9, 2011

In the Midst of my Non-Understanding. . . Blog Day #32

I know that many of my previous blogs have been on the day-to-day nuisances of being a mother.  Little annoying things happen to me constantly, and they provide great inspiration for funny status updates on Facebook.

But really, my life as a mother is not bad.  In fact, it's great.  I'm good at parenting.  My household, though messy and often in disarray, is a warm and inviting one.  And I have true and loving friendships that not only support me when I'm down, but sharpen me when I need it. 

Each day I get out of bed is victory.  I hit life headlong and by the strength that comes through prayer, I live to fight another day.  I know this to be true: that I have been given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ (Ephesians 1:3).  My life is as I always dreamed it could be.

So then, where is the dilemma?
What about my life do I not understand?
What is causing me to feel so conflicted and confused?

The answers to these questions lie in one important fact: I am not just a physical being.  There is also a spiritual realm in which my life is daily lived.  I am not saying that I'm "spiritual", as in "one with the universe" so that I elevate myself into the position of being my own god. 

I'm saying that my soul belongs to the Creator-- the one true God.  I have a direct line to Him through Jesus, who was God come down as man.  I live by the Bible and my prayers are to Him.  But I am not just this small minion who is just a small speck in the grand scheme of all creation.  I am a custom made human, loved and cherished by Him who created me.  He pays such careful attention to me that He knows every hair on my head.  He knows every thought, every feeling, every step.  He knows my past, my present and He knows my future.

Therein comes the rub.

He knows me so well.  I want to know Him as well and, though infinitely flawed, I seek Him out. As King David was a "man after God's own heart", I want to be a woman "after God's own heart."  I want what God wants.

In seeking to desire what God desires, reading His word, and really listening to what He has to say, I've found that sometimes I don't want to hear what He has to say to me.  Let me rephrase: I hear what He has to say, but I don't understand why He's told me.

Remember, I am not a prophetess.  But sometimes in a calm moment of reflection, I will feel the Holy Spirit's prompt for me to walk in a certain direction.  He shows me what I will find at the other end of the new pathway.  Sometimes, there is trial and testing involved in the new journey. 

I'm tempted to worry.  I'm tempted to hide behind whatever closet I can find: busy-ness, spending, daydreaming,  human approval.  I'm tempted to question God, "Why did I need this information? Is this really coming from you? Where are you?"

And I do not understand.  For someone like me, this is disconcerting, at best.  Life is suddenly uncertain, frightening.

I'm left without answers.  Not abandoned, mind you, just unanswered.  And then I realize that I must relinquish my right to question anymore, which is bordering in on being defiant.  There is such conflict within me, even though my physical life is intact. 


It's the only Word I hear.  Despite my big fat urge to shout, "Why?!", I must remember that God knows what He is doing.  No matter what, God uses all for good, for He is good.  I can set aside all my worries, my fear, my anxieties.  I can forfeit my misgivings, confusion, and need for control.  I can put away any possible Plan B's.  Non-understanding is a perfectly acceptable state of being for someone who loves the Lord.

And besides, it's not my job to understand.

It's my job to simply Trust.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

EEE!!! Keep writing my friend!