Saturday, December 13, 2008

8 weeks, 32 left to go

Today was a better day than most. My morning sickness was held at bay by the 4 eggs I had for breakfast. Not to mention I got a whole 7 hours of sleep. Lela helped me this morning by unloading the dishwasher and cleaning the living room while I folded endless amounts of laundry and cleaned the kitchen. We had an entire week's worth of chores to do, and accomplished them by noon. I couldn't help thinking to myself, "If I just did the work as it was needed instead of let it pile, it wouldn't be so overwhelming." But I had to give myself a break. I can't do everything, especially feeling the way I do.

This fifth pregnancy is turning out to be quite different than the rest. First of all, I have four other children and a husband to worry about. With the fourth, Johnny was only home on weekends and I never had to do his laundry. That was nice. Second of all, I can't seem to keep up with the new demands my body is needing of me. I can't sleep whenever I need, rest whenever I want, eat whatever I want. I can only imagine what I'll become next summer, when I'll be big and bumbly.

The only good thing I have on my side is experience. At least I know what I'm doing. And I gotta say: I don't mind so much the nausea, the weight gain, the already poofing belly, the flattening booty, the tree trunk legs, the hips growing a couple inches wider, the walrus cheeks, the crazy mood swings or even the warped taste-buds. It's the p-brain that is most annoying me. The pregnancy brain is not what I need. I feel like a flake and an airhead. And I keep having little blips of panic because I keep thinking it's Monday and I've missed an appointment, class or event. Every hour of everyday is usually spent in strategizing schedules, car-rides, meals, classes, parties, errands and chores. But since I can hardly have two coherant thoughts in a row, this has become difficult. The very worst part (yes it does get worse) is that there's not anything I can really do about it. Maybe hire a teenager to come in and help once a week. Maybe sleep a little more. But sleep for more than 6 hours is a luxury with a two-year old who is training to stay in bed.

Well, this is week 8. I'll see how things go. I just gotta hang in there for 10 more weeks and I should feel better. Hopefully I won't be too much heavier. I'm feeling frumpy as it is. At least I know there is a purpose to all this uncomfy-ness. The baby's heart is beating now and my body is building the home to sustain his/her life for the next 8 months. Amazing.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Soaking in the tub of selfishness

I was thinking this week. . .And it made me all depressed. I turned 30 on Monday. My life is almost half over (Although I do hope I will live longer than 60). I'm deciding whether to have a midlife crisis or not. I still haven't decided. What would I do to act out on my insecure feelings on growing older? Something irresponsible in defiance to the increasing amount of responsibilities given me? Get liposuction or a tummy tuck to defy gravity and feed into my vanity? Spend $200 on candy at Costco and spend a week with the kids eating nothing but candy and watching TV/Movies everyday?

I do have a list of things I'd like to do before I die, but lack of funds and lots of children seem to get in my way. Oh yeah, and did I mention that my husband works a lot? So I guess there's the lack of time issue. Among the list of things I'd like to do are things that are common: lose 40 pounds, win the lottery, go to acting school and become famous, get a pearl pink corvette. Among the list are things that are not so common: become a renowned speaker and inspire thousands of women (all to my glory and honor, of course), get my music degree, become a nurse/midwife, get my teeth whitened just once to see how it feels. . .

All week long I've been fighting the sense that I've missed out on life these past few years. Instead of cleaning poop off the walls I could have been working in some flashy career and shopping at Nordstrom every week. Instead of spending futile hours cleaning house in the evenings and washing diapers every night, I could have been out dancing or eating at fun restaurants. Instead of spending our "disposable income" on ballet lessons and preschool, I could have gone on expensive vacations to exotic places. Instead of the minivan, I could have my pearl pink corvette.

So all this week I've been depressed and wondering how I can alleviate these feelings of living in a bubble with a dirty diaper. This whole time God has been saying, "Quit your whining and follow your own advice: Don't look at what other people have, look at what you do have."

Alright, so let's look beyond the wonderful world of me, and on to what's around me. . .There's the standard things: roof over my head, husband who has a steady job with steady income, four healthy kids, food to eat (although not as much since it's the end of the month), the sci-fi channel, and the invention of flip-flops (which I wear even in winter).

And there are the non-standard things: the ability and calling to homeschool my kids so that they are getting a thorough and Godly education, the safety and love the kids feel because I care enough to be with them, the strength and guidance recieved on a daily basis from God's word, the privilege of being called "Mommy", the husband who is wholly devoted to me and my children. These are just some of the things, there's soo much more I can't even think of them. . .

Ok, so I guess that the things I feel like I have missed pale in comparison to those little arms that squeeze my neck and those little lips that kiss me everyday. Who cares about a little cellulite and stretch marks and hips that will never be the same when you've got a 7 year old who can explain the gospel of Jesus Christ complete with Bible verses.

So no midlife crisis for me. . I'll be satisfied that I've lived life to the fullest so far.

But I still want my pearl pink corvette.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

My first blog

I'm not sure why I started a blog. . .Maybe because I'm totally obssessed with Facebook and needed to write things longer that the Status Updates allow. Or maybe because my professional career as wife and mother gives me enough crazy stories and long thoughts that I need some kind of outlet to write them down. Especially since I'm too sleepy to handwrite in a journal.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone will actually read the thing, but I'll write anyway. Maybe I can inspire someone, or get feedback, or just get responses to let me know that I'm not alone in my plight to raise Godly, respectable children who contribute to society in a way that bears good fruit, despite my many failings and personality flaws.

Who's who?
Lela-- 7 years old, 2nd grade, dawdler but responsible and helps with the littles. Can help around the house and loves God, having a mature spiritual understanding (for a 7 year old). Wants to do what is right in the eyes of God and is hardly ever jealous or petty. Smiles a lot.
Ethan-- 5 years old, Kindergarten, emotional and dramatic, athletic and loves to do what's right. A tendency to be a poor sport and doesn't like unexpected change. Incredibly sweet and affectionate. And he's blonde with hazel eyes (I put that in because I am full Chinese)
Charlotte-- will be 4 on Nov. 24th, Preschooler at John Knox Co-op Preschool, intelligent and sweet, the only one with dark hair and dark eyes, very coordinated, very independent and does whatever she feels like (hangs with friends, then goes off and does her own thing), has a tendency to be sneaky
Zoe-- 2 years old, resident chuckle-head, very extroverted and easy-going, not complaint but very cooperative, loves to sing and dance, loves Dora the Explorer and Backyardigans, makes everyone laugh and her brother and sisters love her very much. Right now she's working on showing affection without pushing, hitting, or tackling.

So there's the kiddos in a nutshell. It's always a party here, and I'm always cleaning up after a party. . .More later as things happen and I need to decompress. ..