Soaking in the tub of selfishness

I was thinking this week. . .And it made me all depressed. I turned 30 on Monday. My life is almost half over (Although I do hope I will live longer than 60). I'm deciding whether to have a midlife crisis or not. I still haven't decided. What would I do to act out on my insecure feelings on growing older? Something irresponsible in defiance to the increasing amount of responsibilities given me? Get liposuction or a tummy tuck to defy gravity and feed into my vanity? Spend $200 on candy at Costco and spend a week with the kids eating nothing but candy and watching TV/Movies everyday?

I do have a list of things I'd like to do before I die, but lack of funds and lots of children seem to get in my way. Oh yeah, and did I mention that my husband works a lot? So I guess there's the lack of time issue. Among the list of things I'd like to do are things that are common: lose 40 pounds, win the lottery, go to acting school and become famous, get a pearl pink corvette. Among the list are things that are not so common: become a renowned speaker and inspire thousands of women (all to my glory and honor, of course), get my music degree, become a nurse/midwife, get my teeth whitened just once to see how it feels. . .

All week long I've been fighting the sense that I've missed out on life these past few years. Instead of cleaning poop off the walls I could have been working in some flashy career and shopping at Nordstrom every week. Instead of spending futile hours cleaning house in the evenings and washing diapers every night, I could have been out dancing or eating at fun restaurants. Instead of spending our "disposable income" on ballet lessons and preschool, I could have gone on expensive vacations to exotic places. Instead of the minivan, I could have my pearl pink corvette.

So all this week I've been depressed and wondering how I can alleviate these feelings of living in a bubble with a dirty diaper. This whole time God has been saying, "Quit your whining and follow your own advice: Don't look at what other people have, look at what you do have."

Alright, so let's look beyond the wonderful world of me, and on to what's around me. . .There's the standard things: roof over my head, husband who has a steady job with steady income, four healthy kids, food to eat (although not as much since it's the end of the month), the sci-fi channel, and the invention of flip-flops (which I wear even in winter).

And there are the non-standard things: the ability and calling to homeschool my kids so that they are getting a thorough and Godly education, the safety and love the kids feel because I care enough to be with them, the strength and guidance recieved on a daily basis from God's word, the privilege of being called "Mommy", the husband who is wholly devoted to me and my children. These are just some of the things, there's soo much more I can't even think of them. . .

Ok, so I guess that the things I feel like I have missed pale in comparison to those little arms that squeeze my neck and those little lips that kiss me everyday. Who cares about a little cellulite and stretch marks and hips that will never be the same when you've got a 7 year old who can explain the gospel of Jesus Christ complete with Bible verses.

So no midlife crisis for me. . I'll be satisfied that I've lived life to the fullest so far.

But I still want my pearl pink corvette.