Tuesday, May 12, 2009

30 weeks down, 10 more to go. . .

When I'm under extreme pressure, or circumstances seem to be harder than usual, I tend to withdraw emotionally so as to be able to deal with my thoughts and with the outside world without breaking down. The end of my pregnancies and the few weeks after the baby is born seems to be some of the most strenuous times of my adult life. Pregnancy seems to amplify some of the emotions that I have trained myself to control, and the hormonal changes and stress on my body make it hard for me to hear and pray and understand what God is doing in my life. My control is constantly being challenged, and I wonder at how I've become so tightly wound that even in worship I'm unable to truly be vulnerable and open to be moved by the Spirit. Why this constant facade of self-control, the enormous walls that I've built? Would it be so bad to lose control just once to be relieved of such pressure and expectation?

I don't really have an answer, nor do I need an answer really. I can't seem to trust my emotions lately, seeing as the physical aspect is tainting my ability to think clearly. But I have discovered a couple of fears that have been affecting the way I've handled the days. . .Gary Smalley would be proud, I think. . .

--I've discovered my annoyance with the fact that I may be able to protect my children now, but they will grow and they will experience life as it happens to them. In this season of my life, I am busy and overwhelmed by having to protect and provide for them a physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe environment and pray everyday that my flaws will not ruin them forever. They are young, and under the protection and influence of my wings. But one day, their life will start unfolding according to what the Lord has for them. How do I pray for them? And then watch them suffer and toil and hurt. What if they do not cling to the Lord of all comfort and strength? How do I keep the enemy from attacking them in their weakest points? I know I don't, I let them mature and learn and trust in Him. It seems so hard to prepare myself to let go. I am tempted to pray that they will just have the simplest, though painful, of heartbreaks and that no one will seek to hurt them. But I know that it's not up to me. They are flawed also, and will make mistakes that will set the course of their life, according to His purposes.

And I guess that if their lives are "happy" and problem-free, then perhaps they are not living out their faith in a way that is demonstrated in the Word. If they never experience hurt or pain, they may not be loving anyone. They would never experience the triumph of fighting for something that's right, the victory of surviving oppression, or the miracles of God's unending Grace and forgiveness.

Lord, take away my fears for my children, and I pray that they will experience You in the fullest, in all circumstances, with thanksgiving.

--The second fear is that I've been feeling unsettled in my heart. I feel like I have this fire burning that wants to be let out. It mostly comes when I hear of others' travels, especially missionaries'. I read of the stories at International Justice Mission and of the women and children who have been rescued. I read stories of triumph in a dark, prison cell. I hear and see videos of children with new hope, with fresh water for the first time. I hear stories of miraculous healings, villages being saved, enemies becoming brothers, Christ being preached for the first time. I want to be a physical part of that, for my children to be a part of that NOW. But it simply is not my place at this particular season of life. God has made it clear that He was not calling me, not just yet. If I were to push the issue, I would be calling myself to the field, and when one calls herself to God's battle field instead of the other way around, it always ends in disaster. In my heightened emotional state, it is so hard not to feel discontent in my life and to be patient for the future. God's timing is perfect, there will always be the poor and oppressed in this world. For now, I have new lives and young minds to mold and disciple.

Lord, I pray that I will do my part in your kingdom, as small as I sometimes think it is. I pray that I will not look on in my own perspective, but in Yours. . .

1 comment:

ganyofamily said...

Jia-Min,
Love the blog!! so neat to hear you articulate what God is doing in you. And CONGRATULATIONS, I hadn't heard you were expecting again. I look forward to enjoying more of your thoughts.
Erica