My Least Favorite: Mother's Day, An Epiphany

Mother's Day is often a day of bitterness for me. This last week leading up to Mother's Day has been rough, and I've been so emotionally drained that I haven't wanted to sleep or carry on with my daily duties. Of course, this week I had more on my plate than usual, since that is how life works. I barely made it. If it weren't for the great attitudes of the kids, and their optimism with life in general, I would have spent all day online while they ran wild and starving.

In meditating upon my life, I am wondering why Mother's Day is so depressing for me. It's not like the day is horrible or anything. I am thinking that it has something to do with a selfish desire to be appreciated and honored for the role I play as mother. What's wrong with that, you ask? Well, sometimes in my heart I do this job because I want to glorify myself. Secretly I want fame, fortune, to feel "successful" and have my worth come from the commendations of those I serve. Having said that, I am now thinking I'm in the wrong line of work.




Day to day, I fight the uphill battle of housework. The mounds of laundry are endless, the crumbs on the floor relentless, the dishes and sticky counters invasive. Then there is the daily training of the children where persistence, patience and perseverance are musts on a minute by minute basis. On top of that, the maintenance of marriage requires more patience, constant forgiveness, diligent discernment, open and kind communication, respectful and loving behavior and humble submission. There is not a moment to relax and breath. Every moment, every thought must be dedicated to others.

But on Mother's Day, I want the day to be about me. What would I like for breakfast? What would I like to do after church? What would I like for a gift, and what should the children make for me? I want everyone to show their appreciation for me by joyfully and willingly and lovingly doing my job for a day. The house stays clean, the children are off playing nicely and the husband is doting on me and hanging out chit-chatting. It would be all about me. Me, me, me, me, me.

My expectations of having a perfect day dedicated to honoring me are way too high. The whole problem is my favorite word, "me". Simply put, it is not about me at all. Life and the universe do not orbit around me. I am not in this profession for glory or fame. In fact, the above description of my job goes to show me that I fall short of being the perfect housewife and mother. I do my best, but I wish my best was better.

Mother's Day is depressing for me because I want to feel special. I want to be treated special so I can feel worthwhile. You might not see the fault in that. You might even say that I should deserve to be especially treated. But every Mother's Day, I am not treated any differently than if it was a normal day off. And I want to be Queen of the Day. I practically want my husband and children serving at my beck and call, and know that I deserve it. Therein lies the problem. I am relying upon people to fill in my bucket of self-worth. And sadly, that bucket is always left nearly empty.

I must refocus my lens and stick to the Truth. My job has been assigned by the Big Boss. He has given me one of the most honorable jobs that a woman could be entrusted with. He understands how hard the job is. In the Bible, it says in Isaiah 40:11--
Like a shepherd He will tend His flock,
In His arm He will gather the lambs
And carry them in His bosom;
He will gently lead the nursing ewes. (www.biblegateway.com)

Mothers are near and dear to His Heart. And there I should be placing my worth. To Him, I am worth sacrificing and dying for. To Him, I am worthy enough to be blessed with husband and children. My worth comes from humbling myself, releasing my desire to conform to the world and seek man's approval. Instead, I realize my fallibility, my sinfulness, my imperfections, my daily struggles and I give them up to Him. I focus in on His Blessings, His Trustworthiness, His Strength, His Power, His Sovereignty, His Faith, His Undying Love, His Personal Investment into my life through Jesus. There is none like Him, certainly nothing created.

Here and now, I let go of all those selfish desires to be acknowledged as that perfect mother who knows all and does all. I release the desire to be worshiped, and turn my own worship to God above. I know how He feels about me, and He is Perfect. He is Not Wrong, and by bowing at His Feet and obeying Him and serving Him by fulfilling even the most mundane of duties, He fills my worth bucket until it is overflowing. Through Solomon, God says in Proverbs 31:30--
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Suddenly, Mother's Day doesn't seem so bad. I give honor and praise, not to myself, but to the God who created me to be specifically a wife and mother. Drawing upon the Holy Spirit for comfort and peace, the burden of selfishness has been lifted. To be God's good and faithful servant is all I need.

So I may not be Queen of the Day, but by acknowledging His Love and Plan for my life, I become God's Princess. Nothing could be better than that.

Weeds

Today I worked on the backyard for 3 hours straight. I can barely move. All 3 of those hours were spent digging and pulling out weeds. I discovered that one of the many weeds out there operates on an extended root network. To say the least it was my greatest foe today. And it reminded me of many things.

These weeds reminded me of the Parable of the Sower, in Matthew 13. These weeds had taken root so far into the soil that I had to dig a foot down to pull them out. And judging by the offshoots and root I left in the holes, the plant would recover and grow again. I thought of how we are to grow in the good soil, ie the Bible, so that we can produce a good crop. Not to mention growing in good soil, you'll have strong roots that grow deep, making the weed strong against enemies who try and dig them out.

The other thing the weed reminded me of was Star Trek. Yes, Star Trek. This type of weed had small baby versions that were hard to pull out. Then I tried digging out a big one, at least 3 feed around, and I saw the roots growing in all directions in the dirt. I felt like I was attacking the queen. Remember that episode in TNG with the bug things that crawled into everyone's ears and took over their brains? And the only way to get rid of them was to kill the queen, who was in one of the admirals at Starfleet Academy. .. .Yeah, I felt like that. So wierd, I know.

Anyway, I had 3 hours to think about this. It was one of the only things I thought about. I'm not sure what that says about me, but there you go.

Joyful Reflections

My friend told me the other day that I was "joyful." It's been a long time since someone has told me that I was joyful. I guess I have finally pulled through a very difficult season of my life. A season where every moment was a struggle, every situation needed to be worked through, and every corner had an obstacle to overcome. The very air I breathed was thick and heavy. The future was uncertain and my confidence was at its lowest. This "winter" was survived by some basic things, though at the time I didn't view them as simple or easy. These were tools that Christians often advise other Christians to use, almost to the point that they're cliche. But they worked!

One was relying upon God and looking at the bigger picture of what He is doing: "God has a plan." It's not something you necessarily want to hear when going through trials, but realizing that everything has a place and every place has a purpose can give you hope in hopeless situations. When I had three kids under three years old, barely enough money to get by, and severe post-partum depression, remembering who was in charge of my life and relinquishing control to Him was all I could do to get up in the morning. And, as promised in His Word, He came through and is still unfolding the lives of my children before my very eyes! Not only that, but I have seen the fruit of seeking God and where He wants us to be and that has landed us in a beautiful house in a welcoming neighborhood able to minister to families we are meeting and working with. Because of Him I am joyful!

Another tool was remembering the character and expectations of God for my life. "God loves you the way you are." It's probably a phrase that every Christian says so often that we believers start forgetting the meaning. We forget that God is love. During those dark days of post-partum depression, and plain ol' depression, I forced those destructive voices telling me of my worthlessness out of my head and replaced them with the voice of truth: In Philippians it says:
5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7 but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father. (www.biblegateway.com)

It is this Jesus that gave me hope, that brought me closer to God, who told me in His word that
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young. (Isaiah 40:11 NIV)

I traveled through a difficult journey with God by my side. Sometimes He carried me when all I wanted to do was quit. Just as two people bond when they share an experience, so I bonded with God during the past few years of stress and uncertainty. I can't help but to be joyful.

Soaking in the tub of selfishness

I was thinking this week. . .And it made me all depressed. I turned 30 on Monday. My life is almost half over (Although I do hope I will live longer than 60). I'm deciding whether to have a midlife crisis or not. I still haven't decided. What would I do to act out on my insecure feelings on growing older? Something irresponsible in defiance to the increasing amount of responsibilities given me? Get liposuction or a tummy tuck to defy gravity and feed into my vanity? Spend $200 on candy at Costco and spend a week with the kids eating nothing but candy and watching TV/Movies everyday?

I do have a list of things I'd like to do before I die, but lack of funds and lots of children seem to get in my way. Oh yeah, and did I mention that my husband works a lot? So I guess there's the lack of time issue. Among the list of things I'd like to do are things that are common: lose 40 pounds, win the lottery, go to acting school and become famous, get a pearl pink corvette. Among the list are things that are not so common: become a renowned speaker and inspire thousands of women (all to my glory and honor, of course), get my music degree, become a nurse/midwife, get my teeth whitened just once to see how it feels. . .

All week long I've been fighting the sense that I've missed out on life these past few years. Instead of cleaning poop off the walls I could have been working in some flashy career and shopping at Nordstrom every week. Instead of spending futile hours cleaning house in the evenings and washing diapers every night, I could have been out dancing or eating at fun restaurants. Instead of spending our "disposable income" on ballet lessons and preschool, I could have gone on expensive vacations to exotic places. Instead of the minivan, I could have my pearl pink corvette.

So all this week I've been depressed and wondering how I can alleviate these feelings of living in a bubble with a dirty diaper. This whole time God has been saying, "Quit your whining and follow your own advice: Don't look at what other people have, look at what you do have."

Alright, so let's look beyond the wonderful world of me, and on to what's around me. . .There's the standard things: roof over my head, husband who has a steady job with steady income, four healthy kids, food to eat (although not as much since it's the end of the month), the sci-fi channel, and the invention of flip-flops (which I wear even in winter).

And there are the non-standard things: the ability and calling to homeschool my kids so that they are getting a thorough and Godly education, the safety and love the kids feel because I care enough to be with them, the strength and guidance recieved on a daily basis from God's word, the privilege of being called "Mommy", the husband who is wholly devoted to me and my children. These are just some of the things, there's soo much more I can't even think of them. . .

Ok, so I guess that the things I feel like I have missed pale in comparison to those little arms that squeeze my neck and those little lips that kiss me everyday. Who cares about a little cellulite and stretch marks and hips that will never be the same when you've got a 7 year old who can explain the gospel of Jesus Christ complete with Bible verses.

So no midlife crisis for me. . I'll be satisfied that I've lived life to the fullest so far.

But I still want my pearl pink corvette.