Today's blogpost will explain a lot.
I've decided to let you in on the backstory. In two parts.
I am going to tell you about me. (unfortunately, my favorite subject.)
In Christian-ese, it's called a "testimony". A long run-down on what has made me the person I am today.
I wish it was more exciting, like in the fun Christian historical novels I read. I'd love to say that it was full of excitement, danger, romance, and happily-ever-afters where I am the heroine. But, that kind of story rarely happens in real life. Certainly, it didn't happen to me.
But I sure searched for it. . .And in all the wrong places.
I've mentioned in a previous blogpost that my childhood was spent in loneliness and a strong desire to live a "normal" life. In a way, it was normal. I was living in the Central Valley under the roof of immigrant parents who worked day in and day out on a dusty unforgiving farm. But instead of being Mexicans, who usually have a huge sense of community and culture to share with each other, or those well-established families with lots of cute animals and fancy tractors and beautiful orchards, we were some of the only Chinese people in town and the only family with houses full of chickens. Thousands of chickens. Laying thousands of eggs. Every single day.
Every so often, my parents would meet with other Chinese people from other towns who also had chickens. Thousands of chickens. Laying thousands of eggs. Every single day. My sister and I called these little association parties "chicken meetings." I remember there being quite a few of them. My mother disagrees. But that's what I remember.
Not a terribly exciting early life. Non-the-less, these were my humble beginnings.
Quite miserable for everyone.
My mom grew up in Taiwan. Her father died of cancer when she was a young teen and left my grandmother to take care of 7 children, of which my mom was the monkey in the middle. My grandparents were an arranged marriage. From what I gathered, my grandmother was beyond unhappy. I've heard stories of a suicide attempt and a son who died in toddler-hood. But it's hard for anyone to talk about so I'm not privy on all the facts. I can conclude: it was miserable.
My mom grew up, finished school and got a job teaching. Then she moved to the States. From tropical Taiwan to freezing Alaska. Do I need to explain?
And then she moved to California after a not-so-much-fun time in the Arctic and met my dad.
My dad was born in Vietnam during the time the Communists were taking over China. My grandmother had relocated to escape all the turmoil. That's my understanding, anyway. (His family doesn't talk much, either). But I do know that my grandfather had two families: my dad with his 1 sister and 4 younger brothers and then another wife and children. I don't know all the details, but you can imagine that my dad had a poor role model. Combined with the political unrest and difficult family circumstances, you could say, "Miserable."
At any rate, my dad was raised in Canton surrounded by Red Guards. He swam across the channel between Canton and Hong Kong as a young man to escape the Communists and came to the US as a refugee. He lived in Arizona with some friends, then came to California where he worked for my mom's oldest sister. So he met my mom.
They married in 1978. I was born later that year. Two years later, they bought and moved to the chicken farm in the little town of Ceres. My one and only sister was born shortly after.
Thus began the miserable years. Not because my sister was born, but because of the hardness of their backgrounds and the harshness of egg farming. There were no warm exchanges, no affirming words, no play-dates, no reassuring smiles for little girls. Just survival. And practicing piano. Because every good Asian chick knows how to play the piano.
My dad checked out, my mom did the best she could. But, all in all, miserable.
Now move the focus onto a free-spirited, determined and stubborn little girl. That was me. In every way, I didn't fit the mold in any aspect of my life. Within my family, my aunts would give me a hard time because my hair was brown and not black. I had a tan from swimming and working outside in the heat and my aunts would say I looked like a Mexican. And they weren't complementing me. I was not necessarily rebellious yet, but in much of Chinese culture, outspokenness = rebellious.
At school I was the only Chinese girl. I didn't have a large English vocabulary since my first language was Mandarin until the age of 5. I had shoes that were too big and clothes from Kmart (oh the torture!) and I didn't participate in any extra activities besides band and piano. But I was blessed to have wonderful, solid friends who I celebrated birthdays with and who kept me out of trouble during recess.
That is, until the 6th grade. The school district changed their busing boundaries. So I had to switch schools, despite my begging and pleading for my mom to sign the transfer form and drive me to school.
Free-spirited + Strong-willed + No warm father figure + Wanting a "normal" family + bitter at switching schools + soft-spoken teacher teaching 6th graders for the 1st time + tween girl making wrong friend choices + a mother trying to maintain control of said tween girl but not understanding the culture
= Miserable.
My mom was miserable. My dad was miserable. I was miserable. I didn't even know what was going on with my younger sister because I was soo caught up in how unfair life was. I lashed out. Mostly on that poor teacher. I concentrated all my energy on becoming my own person, making my own decisions, hanging out with whoever I wanted. I flirted with boys and made my "crushes" lists and got A's on all my schoolwork so my teacher could never ding me too badly for chewing gum on purpose...
I'm cringing just to think of the beginnings of my down fall. And cringing more to have to move on to Jr. High and High School.
Forget absent dad. I just compensated by seeking out boy attention. And my mom had some health issues that made her moods a little crazy. So I pushed back and became even more determined to have what I wanted and be my own person. I refused to let my free spirit be tied down.
In the midst of this terrible transition into teen-hood, I decided I was done going to church with some neighbors. I was only going there for the cute boys anyway. "Jesus doesn't apply to my life, anyway."
And as if junior high and high school aren't tumultuous enough, I had my eyes set out on college, high school electives and doing whatever would make me happy. Most of my wants were innocent, even beneficial. But my mom, being of another culture, protested and said no to almost everything.
Jazz Band after school? "No." I did it anyway.
Swim team? "No. We have a swimming pool in the backyard." I did it anyway. Even paid out of my own money to get the physical at the doctor. I may or may not have forged my dad's signature on the release forms.
Need glasses? "No. You're faking." Um, made the appointment myself. I may have even paid for it.
Movies? "No, we have a TV. Be home at 9." Well, the movie started at 7:30. I went anyway and got home when I got home.
Yearbook? "No. Why do you need that?" I ordered yearbooks with my own money after not having one freshmen year and feeling like a dufus.
Car? "No, we can't afford it." I begged and begged my dad until he bought me one. Yes, he bought my first choice. . .My mom was soooo mad.
Prom? "What's that? No." Uh, I went anyway, sophomore year, at the invitation from my senior boyfriend.
Dating? "No. Focus on school." I don't even want to go there. Let's just say my girls are not going to be like I was. And my sons will not date girls like the teen-aged me.
Class ring? "No. You pay for it." I did.
Graduation robes? "No." Just kidding. Those were bought for me.
Strong-willed teen vs. Angry and at-rope's-end mom = Bad news. Miserable.
I want to say, delicately, that while I was mouthy and rude and disrespectful at home, the boundaries were attempted to be set by physical means and emotional insults. Most of the time, these were issued simultaneously and right when I walked in the door or woke up on a free Saturday morning. The more that was lashed onto me, the more I clung to my pursuit of happiness. I ran to all the wrong places, sought to fill my worth bucket in all the wrong faucets, thought myself stronger and more capable than I was and rarely sought help through the right channels.
Now put in an older boyfriend, in college. And boys just starting to actually notice me. And me thinking I was all growed up.
I had a shoulder problem and hives all over my back the entire spring season of my senior year. I denied that I was stressed and was determined to stand on my own two feet without anyone's help. Colleges were applied for, financial aid secured, and finally, a college picked out. I would follow that older boy to UCDavis. And I couldn't get out of town fast enough.
At 17 years of age, I moved into the dorms and started my shaky college career at UCDavis as a biology major. I had high hopes. New life, new friends, new school. I had big plans. I was going to live my life to the fullest, have fun, do school, graduate, go to medical school and be a pediatrician.
Little did I know, I was at the peak of my downfall. I had placed myself on a slippery precipice. And I wouldn't be able to save myself when I lost my balance.
I thought I was flying a free spirit, following my own dreams and whims. But really, I was flailing and out of control.
To be continued in Blog Day #25.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Kids? To Have, or Not? How Many?--Part 2. . .Blog Day #23
So I am pro-kids. Have them, if you can. If you can't, but want to, what better home for a needy unwanted child than one with a couple who passionately wants to raise up a new generation with love and safety. Don't think about it. Just take that leap of faith. Children are blessings. That is something the Bible will definitely support.
Now on to the issue of family size.
How many kids should you have?
Again, with today's convenient access to contraceptives and birth control, we have many ways to determine how many kids and when.
Again, I emphasize that just because we can choose, doesn't necessarily mean we should. God is a good God. He can and will take care of anything we need:
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!
Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing? For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.--Matthew 6:26-34 (NASB)
Okay, so I'm not totally advocating having as many babies as you can. Having 12 kids, while doable, is not everyone's calling. It wasn't mine. But, then again, why not? Like I said before, if that is what God wants me to do, and I am willing to do what He wants, then He is sure to provide us with what we need to get the job done.
But then again, 12 kids. Or more? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
Let's just keep it simple. "Should we have another?" Take it one kid at a time.
Before I tell you my answer to the question. . .let's dispel three myths.
Myth #1: Our house is not big enough for more.
I have heard this said about people who have 2 children, thinking that they need one bedroom for each child. If some rich person were to bequeth to me a 7 bedroom house, you won't see me refusing the incredible blessing. But having lived in a 3rd story 1100 square foot apartment with four small children, I will tell you that small spaces are doable. Not always fun, but doable. Children can share. In fact, it is better for them to share. And how advantagous for their future marriages. All this to say, that what you have is probably sufficient. If it provides adequate shelter, heat for the cold and air for the hot, electricity and running water. . .plus somewhere soft to sleep, then that is great. It's more than what most of the world has. Then add on a loving, warm, attentive, safe and Godly atmosphere and it becomes home. A big house, though helpful, is not a requirement for having more children. Nor should it be.
Myth #2: We can't afford more.
Ok, so there are times when this is valid. Husbands need to be responsible, and do what needs to be done to provide for their families. If you don't have a job, and aren't looking for one, how will you provide for these small humans who cannot fend for themselves? I understand these concerns. But, speaking from experience, what would your children be lacking?
Myth #3: I don't think I can handle more.
I won't lie, parenting is hard. But it is hard no matter what. If you have one, he/she constantly demands your attention and sometimes has trouble interacting with peers. If you have two, you'll feel divided in half while you try and juggle both children's needs. If you have three, you have more children than hands and you have to come up with a system to handle and control the chaos. If you have four. . .well, it's the same as three. Just noisier. If you have five or more. ..you change focus and your household becomes a team of contributors that you have to train, manage and oversee. All family sizes difficult in their own way. You don't think you can handle it? No one does. Yet, with prayer and God's strength, we do sufficiently.
So should you have another? I can't answer that for you. I can tell you that the more you think about it, the more impossible it will seem. So stop thinking it over. If there is even one iota of willingness in your heart, I say to go for it. Because when you are 50 and your child-bearing/rearing days are through, you'll never regret having the one more. But you may regret not having one more.
Everyone's situation is different. Every pregnancy is different, even for the same woman. Every person has a different relationship with God. What He tells you is between you and Him. Trust Him. Obey Him. He will never fail you. Be open to what He wants. . .the outcome will be more wonderful than you can imagine. . .Just be sure that the issue of family size doesn't come from the world's list of requirements. Having children can have eternal consequences. . .especially in your own walk with God. . .So let Him guide you. . .
Now on to the issue of family size.
How many kids should you have?
Again, with today's convenient access to contraceptives and birth control, we have many ways to determine how many kids and when.
Again, I emphasize that just because we can choose, doesn't necessarily mean we should. God is a good God. He can and will take care of anything we need:
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!
Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing? For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.--Matthew 6:26-34 (NASB)
Okay, so I'm not totally advocating having as many babies as you can. Having 12 kids, while doable, is not everyone's calling. It wasn't mine. But, then again, why not? Like I said before, if that is what God wants me to do, and I am willing to do what He wants, then He is sure to provide us with what we need to get the job done.
But then again, 12 kids. Or more? It makes me shudder just to think about it.
Let's just keep it simple. "Should we have another?" Take it one kid at a time.
Before I tell you my answer to the question. . .let's dispel three myths.
Myth #1: Our house is not big enough for more.
I have heard this said about people who have 2 children, thinking that they need one bedroom for each child. If some rich person were to bequeth to me a 7 bedroom house, you won't see me refusing the incredible blessing. But having lived in a 3rd story 1100 square foot apartment with four small children, I will tell you that small spaces are doable. Not always fun, but doable. Children can share. In fact, it is better for them to share. And how advantagous for their future marriages. All this to say, that what you have is probably sufficient. If it provides adequate shelter, heat for the cold and air for the hot, electricity and running water. . .plus somewhere soft to sleep, then that is great. It's more than what most of the world has. Then add on a loving, warm, attentive, safe and Godly atmosphere and it becomes home. A big house, though helpful, is not a requirement for having more children. Nor should it be.
Myth #2: We can't afford more.
Ok, so there are times when this is valid. Husbands need to be responsible, and do what needs to be done to provide for their families. If you don't have a job, and aren't looking for one, how will you provide for these small humans who cannot fend for themselves? I understand these concerns. But, speaking from experience, what would your children be lacking?
- Clothes? Hand-me-downs are great. And when they are older, they prefer to wear the same outfits over and over anyway. . .
- Toys? Wow, don't even get me started on toys. Most of them don't get played with. I can't even tell you how many Polly Pocket shoes I've vacuumed, doll hair I've cleaned up, and Lego's I've thrown away. My kids end up playing "pretend" most of the time. And forts can be made with their blankets and pillows. And usually, when one sibling is obsessing over something, the others will too. Thomas the Train is fun at all ages!
- Extra activites? I have to be careful here, or I'll have to eat my own words. . .but they don't need to know how to do everything. (ouch). Lately I have picked just a few things that are important to us. And we scrounge to pay for them. And some we have scholarships. But, honestly, we could do away with everything and still be okay. Just don't tell my husband I said that.
- Food? Ok, I admit that my refrigerator is often empty at the end of the month. But, home cooking is yummy. And I feed the 5 kids on $150 a week. In a culture that is obsessed with having your fill and more, we think we have to serve these giant portions and that any twinge of hunger is a bad thing. Well, actually, I've found that it's ok for them to be a little hungry sometimes. They are healthy children and can wait an hour for dinner (most of the time.). I cook a healthy meal with real ingredients, they are hungry and so it's tasty, and since it is healthy no one needs to eat as much as if you ate at MacDonald's. And you won't have to worry about eating out. Because who in their right mind takes 3 or more children to a restaurant on a weekly basis?
Myth #3: I don't think I can handle more.
I won't lie, parenting is hard. But it is hard no matter what. If you have one, he/she constantly demands your attention and sometimes has trouble interacting with peers. If you have two, you'll feel divided in half while you try and juggle both children's needs. If you have three, you have more children than hands and you have to come up with a system to handle and control the chaos. If you have four. . .well, it's the same as three. Just noisier. If you have five or more. ..you change focus and your household becomes a team of contributors that you have to train, manage and oversee. All family sizes difficult in their own way. You don't think you can handle it? No one does. Yet, with prayer and God's strength, we do sufficiently.
So should you have another? I can't answer that for you. I can tell you that the more you think about it, the more impossible it will seem. So stop thinking it over. If there is even one iota of willingness in your heart, I say to go for it. Because when you are 50 and your child-bearing/rearing days are through, you'll never regret having the one more. But you may regret not having one more.
Everyone's situation is different. Every pregnancy is different, even for the same woman. Every person has a different relationship with God. What He tells you is between you and Him. Trust Him. Obey Him. He will never fail you. Be open to what He wants. . .the outcome will be more wonderful than you can imagine. . .Just be sure that the issue of family size doesn't come from the world's list of requirements. Having children can have eternal consequences. . .especially in your own walk with God. . .So let Him guide you. . .
 |
| Christmas 2010. .Don't ask me what's going on with Zoe. But there always has to be one kid who doesn't cooperate. |
 |
| "Look Mommy! I'm a knife!" |
 |
| Camping with Daddy. Yes, without me. Totally do-able. . . |
 | |
| You do the best you can with the best you have. . .It all turns out fine in the end. |
Kids? To Have, or Not, and How Many?--Part 1. . .Blog Day #22
"Did you always plan to have a big family?" Nope.
"What made you decide to have a big family?" I didn't.
"How many kids were you planning to have?" One.
"I don't know how you do it." Me neither.
Honestly, having 5 children was not on my bucket list. There are days when I have no idea what I'm doing, or whether or not the kids will make it passed their tenth birthday. There are days when they are unsupervised outside, playing hide-n-go seek in other people's front porches, and leaving traces of wrappers, chalk, socks, shoes, and toys all over the neighborhood. I've been admonished in more than one store to keep my kids in check. And I have, more than once, yelled at the kids to get out of the refrigerators at Costco.
I know this doesn't make big families sound very fun. . .But they really are. Despite the constant chaos and the never-ending workload, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. It is an honor for God to believe that my husband and I are suited for such a task: to raise five human beings to know Him, to make decisions based on what they've learned, and to love people the way God does. Not an easy task, granted, but a noble one.
That said, I want you to set aside any preconceived notions of big families (especially Jon&Kate+8). Family size needs to be thought of from the beginning.
And by the beginning, I mean your marriage. Yes, marriage. I know there's a trend for unconventional means of parenting (single by choice, gay couples, unmarried but living together, etc.) and those I can talk about in a different blog if you wish. But I'm going to assume you are married, or about to be.
As soon as you walk down that aisle and speak your vows in front of witnesses, you have become a family. You are no longer two separate people, but two pieces of one unit striving to move together in one direction. In-laws, relatives, friends, parents all become secondary to your spouse. Every morning is a choice to love the other, even with morning breath and bedhead.
And this choice to love creates an atmosphere of intimacy. . .Emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. God created us for this. It is why, even at an early age, we desire to be loved and wanted. But this level of "giving yourself away" is reserved for marriage. That is why, when you have a good marriage it is so rewarding. And when you "fail" at marriage, it is so heartbreaking.
Marriage is the most important relationship to work on and cultivate. Nothing, aside from a relationship with Jesus, comes before your spouse. This is including the discussion of children, or even the children themselves. Disagreements happen, and common ground can seem hard to negotiate. All I can say is, soften your own heart and ask God what He wants. Look beyond your own desires and love your spouse, no matter what. Don't take things into your own hands, but wait for God to lead the way. With that in mind, let's look at the issue of having kids.
"I want another, but my wife/husband says no more."
"We are definitely not having any at all. . I'd be a terrible parent."
"I'd love to have a big family but we just can't afford it."
"I'd have another, but my husband never helps and I don't think I can handle it."
"Kids are expensive. I'd like to be more prepared."
"I see how crazy the kids are down the street, and I don't think I can do that." (whoops, sorry)
I've heard statements from all over the gambit. Some are valid: "It is dangerous for me to have any more." Some are not: "I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want." In the Bible, there is not an explicit command: "Thou shalt have two children, one girl and one boy." Some people claim that having children is something commanded of us as a married couple. Others believe, especially with the new forms of contraception and birth control, that we can choose whether or not to have kids and how many.
I come a little in-between.
Yes, we can choose. But we can also choose to eat a box of chocolate bars. We can choose to go 90 on the freeway and get a ticket or crash. Or go 45 on the freeway and get a ticket or cause someone to crash. Life is all about choices. Even to sit on the couch and do nothing is a choice. So what matters is not whether or not we get to choose, it is what we choose.
Here's where I recommend that you let go of your unalienable rights to choose. Some people get so caught up in the right to choose, that they forget that it's making a right choice that is relevant to this conversation. And just to spite, they choose wrong in order to prove that they can. I believe this to be an atrocity. We are talking about little human lives here, not whether or not to obey Mom and Dad's rules.
And I'm not just talking about abortion. I'm talking about the ability to choose to have even one child. From a Christian perspective, I think that putting your foot down and refusing to have children, for whatever reason, is walking on thin ice. Who are we to dictate to God what we are and are not going to do? Who are we to think that we know better than He, Maker of the Universe? I might be stepping on toes here. All I'm asking you to do is check your heart. Is there arrogance there? If you were to have a conversation with a couple who are physically barren, would you seem like a petulant kid in your refusal?
I do not, at all, want to minimize the fact that children are a huge responsibility and there is a chance that we, based on our own childhood experiences, might warp a young one's mind. There is a mountain of commitment involved, and extreme humility required to be successful. And despite all our efforts, the children will turn out the way they will turn out. But God is to be trusted. The children will also turn out to be who they are supposed to be despite all our shortcomings.
So no kids at all by choice? I'm not sure I would agree it is a good choice. It is yours to make, and you might feel very justified in the decision, but I urge you to look at the reasons. If you claim to trust in God, to believe in the teachings of the Bible, then I would look passed the finances and workload and look to the blessings. For leaving a light in this world also involves leaving a legacy of God-loving children, who in turn shine bright lights to those they come into contact with. And the blessings are more than you can even imagine.
To Be Continued on Blog Day #23
"What made you decide to have a big family?" I didn't.
"How many kids were you planning to have?" One.
"I don't know how you do it." Me neither.
Honestly, having 5 children was not on my bucket list. There are days when I have no idea what I'm doing, or whether or not the kids will make it passed their tenth birthday. There are days when they are unsupervised outside, playing hide-n-go seek in other people's front porches, and leaving traces of wrappers, chalk, socks, shoes, and toys all over the neighborhood. I've been admonished in more than one store to keep my kids in check. And I have, more than once, yelled at the kids to get out of the refrigerators at Costco.
I know this doesn't make big families sound very fun. . .But they really are. Despite the constant chaos and the never-ending workload, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's. It is an honor for God to believe that my husband and I are suited for such a task: to raise five human beings to know Him, to make decisions based on what they've learned, and to love people the way God does. Not an easy task, granted, but a noble one.
That said, I want you to set aside any preconceived notions of big families (especially Jon&Kate+8). Family size needs to be thought of from the beginning.
And by the beginning, I mean your marriage. Yes, marriage. I know there's a trend for unconventional means of parenting (single by choice, gay couples, unmarried but living together, etc.) and those I can talk about in a different blog if you wish. But I'm going to assume you are married, or about to be.
As soon as you walk down that aisle and speak your vows in front of witnesses, you have become a family. You are no longer two separate people, but two pieces of one unit striving to move together in one direction. In-laws, relatives, friends, parents all become secondary to your spouse. Every morning is a choice to love the other, even with morning breath and bedhead.
And this choice to love creates an atmosphere of intimacy. . .Emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy. God created us for this. It is why, even at an early age, we desire to be loved and wanted. But this level of "giving yourself away" is reserved for marriage. That is why, when you have a good marriage it is so rewarding. And when you "fail" at marriage, it is so heartbreaking.
Marriage is the most important relationship to work on and cultivate. Nothing, aside from a relationship with Jesus, comes before your spouse. This is including the discussion of children, or even the children themselves. Disagreements happen, and common ground can seem hard to negotiate. All I can say is, soften your own heart and ask God what He wants. Look beyond your own desires and love your spouse, no matter what. Don't take things into your own hands, but wait for God to lead the way. With that in mind, let's look at the issue of having kids.
"I want another, but my wife/husband says no more."
"We are definitely not having any at all. . I'd be a terrible parent."
"I'd love to have a big family but we just can't afford it."
"I'd have another, but my husband never helps and I don't think I can handle it."
"Kids are expensive. I'd like to be more prepared."
"I see how crazy the kids are down the street, and I don't think I can do that." (whoops, sorry)
I've heard statements from all over the gambit. Some are valid: "It is dangerous for me to have any more." Some are not: "I like being able to do whatever I want whenever I want." In the Bible, there is not an explicit command: "Thou shalt have two children, one girl and one boy." Some people claim that having children is something commanded of us as a married couple. Others believe, especially with the new forms of contraception and birth control, that we can choose whether or not to have kids and how many.
I come a little in-between.
Yes, we can choose. But we can also choose to eat a box of chocolate bars. We can choose to go 90 on the freeway and get a ticket or crash. Or go 45 on the freeway and get a ticket or cause someone to crash. Life is all about choices. Even to sit on the couch and do nothing is a choice. So what matters is not whether or not we get to choose, it is what we choose.
Here's where I recommend that you let go of your unalienable rights to choose. Some people get so caught up in the right to choose, that they forget that it's making a right choice that is relevant to this conversation. And just to spite, they choose wrong in order to prove that they can. I believe this to be an atrocity. We are talking about little human lives here, not whether or not to obey Mom and Dad's rules.
And I'm not just talking about abortion. I'm talking about the ability to choose to have even one child. From a Christian perspective, I think that putting your foot down and refusing to have children, for whatever reason, is walking on thin ice. Who are we to dictate to God what we are and are not going to do? Who are we to think that we know better than He, Maker of the Universe? I might be stepping on toes here. All I'm asking you to do is check your heart. Is there arrogance there? If you were to have a conversation with a couple who are physically barren, would you seem like a petulant kid in your refusal?
I do not, at all, want to minimize the fact that children are a huge responsibility and there is a chance that we, based on our own childhood experiences, might warp a young one's mind. There is a mountain of commitment involved, and extreme humility required to be successful. And despite all our efforts, the children will turn out the way they will turn out. But God is to be trusted. The children will also turn out to be who they are supposed to be despite all our shortcomings.
So no kids at all by choice? I'm not sure I would agree it is a good choice. It is yours to make, and you might feel very justified in the decision, but I urge you to look at the reasons. If you claim to trust in God, to believe in the teachings of the Bible, then I would look passed the finances and workload and look to the blessings. For leaving a light in this world also involves leaving a legacy of God-loving children, who in turn shine bright lights to those they come into contact with. And the blessings are more than you can even imagine.
To Be Continued on Blog Day #23
 | |
| Little One Day Old Hank. . . |
 |
| So big! (Christmas 2010) |
 | |
| Charlotte and Zoe. . .Parenting is not just about the workload and inconvenience. . .It's about living life to the fullest. |
 |
| And it's not about being a perfect person with the perfect circumstances. Children are blessings. Not just for you, but for the world. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)